I hate a lot of things; mostly people. This is a place for my deepest thoughts. If you love me, you'll kill me. I write and perform music. I have a Facebook page for my work. Just ask and I'll give you the link. Oh, I also like Minecraft, Motionless in White, and the letter J.
I’m alive.
And I plan to stay that way. I’m also making a new Tumblr. There are way too many memories on this one. I’ll make another post once I have it made and I decide on a new URL. In the meantime, do any of my few followers have any suggestions for a URL?
The End.
This is the last post I’ll ever make. This is for everyone to see, so all questions can be answered. If you are reading this, I’m dead. I’ve tried living and making it through everything, but I’ve realized that I no longer want to live like this. I have too much hurt to want to keep going. I don’t see the point in trying. We all die, anyway, right?
Some people will say what I’ve done is selfish. While that may be true, is it not selfish to force someone into a life they don’t want? If I no longer want to live, that is my choice to make. What is more selfish: people being sad that I’m gone, or me being sad all the time because I am still here?
With that being said, please realize that I AM sorry. I didn’t want things to come to this. I know a lot of people are going to be hurt and sad, and I know my parents especially are going to be distraught. This is a message for them: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You were both amazing parents and I couldn’t ask for more. If anything, you two are part of the few reasons I’ve been around as long as I have. None of this is your fault. I promise.
To my friends: Thank you all for being there for me throughout the years. No matter how little we talked, just know that you have made an impact on my life. Even if we haven’t spoken in several years, I still haven’t forgotten you. I love all of you, and you’re in my thoughts during my final moments.
Since I currently have a few things of considerable value, I’d prefer them not go to waste. The following is my unofficial will, in a sense. I want my drums (including all cymbals and hardware) to go to Brynn Dawdy, as he has been close to me for many years. Aaron Walton shall receive my Ibanez guitar and Crate amp. Nichole Poppek can have any microphones I have. I’m not sure how well any of them work, but I know at least one functions well. My parents will keep my Gibson Flying V. My keyboard can go to whoever wants it, unless my parents decide they want that as well. Becca Rapp can have the blue striped hoodie back. Ashton Mcspadden will get all of my guitar picks that can be found lying around the house.
I would like to give thanks to the people who have helped me make it this far. My parents, obviously. I love you two and I wouldn’t have lived this long if not for you. Thank you to all of the friends I listed above. You were there when I needed you most. Thanks to Chris Motionless and the rest of Motionless in White, and Andy Biersack and the rest of Black Veil Brides. Keep doing what you’re doing.
The following is to each of my ex-girlfriends, most of whom are part of why I am no longer choosing to live.
- Natasha - Even though you cheated on me with one of my best friends, I think you’re a good person overall who has just been through a lot. But it was because of you that I first felt the sting that comes from relationships. I still wish you well in life and I hope you make something of yourself someday. I know you can.
- Sydney - You never really hurt me, so I hold no bad feelings for you. You showed me happiness and caring, which I needed. I’m not quite sure why things didn’t work out, but it’s okay. I may not know you well these days, but I believe you’re a good person with good traits. Thank you for showing me what happiness was.
- Amanda - I wasn’t sure if I should include you in this list, but since we did have a relationship of sorts, I may as well. You’re a pretty cool person. Sure, you hurt me, but that was several years ago. You have good ambitions and a pretty killer personality. You’re more of one of the bros than anything. I will always be grateful for our friendship.
- Jessica - You’re a whore.
- Rachel - I think you’re just a troubled person with a bad past. As much as you hurt me and made me hate you, I still mostly just feel sorry for you. I hope you grew out of being a hypocritical control-freak. If so, I think you’ll make something of yourself. However, you never cheated on me or anything, so in that regard, I am quite pleased with you.
- Jasmine - You’re the only person I wanted to be with. You were all that made me happy and all I wanted. I was so happy when we got together. You really have no idea. I can’t even express how much I love you and miss you. You left when I needed you most. No matter how much you hurt me, I still only wanted you. You showed me a caring that no one else had come close to. You made me smile on the worst days and gave me hope for a good future. Now all of that is gone. I can’t take that anymore. I can’t fall for someone again the way I fell for you. You’ve made me realize this. Honestly, I thank you. You’re setting me free from the burdens of life. You’ve helped me to understand the pointlessness of life. While I was overjoyed while you were in my life, I now realize how easily things can be taken away, which is why I’m choosing to no longer associate with it. Don’t feel bad. Just think about how I’ll never have to be hurt or feel pain ever again. I love you.
Once again, I’m sorry. I know this is going to be hard on a lot of people, but I need this. Mommy, Daddy, I love you. I really do. I know this will be hardest on the both of you, but you didn’t nothing wrong. I swear it. I love you two so much.
Goodbye everybody.
I don’t think people would believe that if they saw mine.
